Shirt Man

FADE IN:
 
EXT. GLORIOUS MAN SHOP - DAY
 
The name of the shop on the top of window display: "Glorious Men" - gold on purple. A big board advertises GRAND OPENING EVENT.
 
At the entrance LORI(30), an awkward, chubby sale assistant, hands out flyers to people passing him in both directions.
 
MALEFICENT, an old witch in a long black dress, holding a walking stick approaches slowly. Lori gives her the flyer.
 
MALEFICENT
What's that?
 
LORI
Please, come to the opening event
on Sunday. We'll give yummy treats
and discounts to all customers.
 
Maleficent's hand shakes. She looks at the flyer as if she doesn't believe her eyes.
 
MALEFICENT
Me invited? Oh, thank you! Thank
you!
(beat)
Would you sign it for me?
 
Lori looks at her suspiciously. Then takes out a pen from his breast pocket.
 
LORI
What do you want me to write?
 
MALEFICENT
Write: "Especially for Maleficent".
Do you know how to spell my name?
 
Lori nods. Takes the card, signs it and hands it back.
 
MALEFICENT (CONT'D)
Thank you!
 
Maleficent dances away singing to herself.
 
MALEFICENT (CONT'D)
(singing)
You're magnificent, you rock,
Maleficent!
 
Lori shakes his head.
 
LORI
Lunatic crone.
 
INT. GLORIOUS MEN SHOP - DAY
 
Grand Opening Day. With Valentine Day soon approaching the theme of decor is all hearts and roses. Red heart balloons stand tall and bright above the flows of people storming super-sweet Valentine's treat buffet.
 
Maleficent wearing same outfit enthusiastically noshes delicate cakes along with other sweet lovers.
 
At the counter SONIA(22), a plump, pinkish, lively blonde and LINDA(28), a tall, pale brunette wrap clients' purchases and hand red shopping bags to the customers. Lori stands beside Sonia, watching the feasting crowd from afar.
 
LORI
( bending to Sonia)
Look at those vultures stuffing
their bellies for free. Like they
haven't eaten for years.
 
SONIA
Be nice, Lori. They have a right to
enjoy the buffet. And it's not from
your pocket--
 
FARSHAD(44), a grumpy manager, comes scowling at them.
 
FARSHAD
I don't pay you to chitchat. Go
serve the tables, Lori.
 
DISSOLVE TO:
 
Lori with a tray full of refreshments makes his way through the crowd. A SMALL CHILD dashes in front of him and Lori trips.
 
The tray falls down on the floor sending candy pretzels and heart sugar cookies in every direction. A FRANTIC MOTHER grabs her child.
 
FRANTIC MOTHER
Don't you look where you're going?
You could have run him down!
 
FARSHAD
Sorry, ma'am.
(looks at Lori and hisses)
You have some special talent to do
everything wrong!
(turns to the counter)
Sonia, help him out!
 
Sonia comes with a garbage bag, a dustpan and a small broom. Sonia holds the garbage bag, and Lori sweeps the floor.
 
LORI
It wasn't my fault. He always picks
on me.
 
SONIA
It could happen to anyone. Don't
get upset.
 
LORI
Would you go out with me tonight?
 
SONIA
Goodness gracious! Of course, not!
 
LORI
Just want you to know that I like
you.
 
SONIA
And I want to remind you that I
have a boyfriend.
 
Sonia carries the garbage bag and the cleaning tools back to the counter.
 
Maleficent taps Lori on his shoulder. Lori turns to face her.
 
MALEFICENT
You were nice to me, lad, I will
reward you.
 
Maleficent hands him a black safety pin.
 
LORI
What's that?
 
MALEFICENT
Don't let people be mean to you.
Prick them with my safety pin, and
you will never regret it.
(cackles)
This magic pin has a power rare
To change the human looks forever!
 
SWEET GIRL (O.S.)
And what's the antidote?
 
Lori and Maleficent look down. A SWEET GIRL(6) with curly hair, holding a rose cupcake, listens to their conversation attentively.
 
MALEFICENT
An antidote?
 
SWEET GIRL
(recites proudly)
True love will break the evil spell
And make them humans look again!
 
MALEFICENT
You shouldn't believe in fairy
tales, Sunshine. There's no true
love.
 
Maleficent winks. The cupcake in the girl's hand turns into a frog. Lori's eyes open wide. Maleficent disappears.
 
SWEET GIRL
Eeek!
 
She drops the frog and runs away, searching for her mom.
 
SWEET GIRL (CONT'D)
Mom! The witch turned my cake into
the frog!
 
The frog jumps around the shop, scaring people. Some customers scream. Farshad runs to Lori.
 
FARSHAD
What now?
 
LORI
Someone released a frog.
 
FARSHAD
(grits his teeth)
Catch it.
 
INT. GLORIOUS MEN SHOP - DAY
 
The shop looks clean, quiet. Racks of clothes, empty aisles.
 
Only red heart balloons remain of the grand opening day. Linda behind the counter gets her working place ready.
 
A hand waves from above the racks in the center of the shop.
 
PEKINGESE (O.S.)
Hey, staff! Anybody!
 
Lori enters the shop. Linda rolls her eyes at him.
 
LINDA
Pekingese is here. Go see what she
wants!
 
PEKINGESE (O.S.)
Am I alone in the desert?
 
Lori runs forward and goes behind the racks. PEKINGESE (50), a tiny woman with a snub nose and a bob cut, looks through pullovers on the rack.
 
LORI
How can I help you, ma'am?
 
Pekingese eyes Lori and snorts.
 
PEKINGESE
I've thought they'd fired you,
Tubby. Should find someone younger,
someone presentable... I mean...
the name "Glorious Men". I come
here, give me the glorious men!
You look like a walking caricature,
Tubby. No offence!
 
LORI
Can I help you, ma'am?
 
PEKINGESE
I like this pullover, just can't
find the right color. Bring me same
thing in dark magenta.
 
LORI
These are all the colors that we've
got.
 
PEKINGESE
Nonsense! You have them in the
back.
 
LORI
Why would we hide such a treasure?
Take this crimson one, it's close
enough...
 
PEKINGESE
That's not crimson, that bloody
communist red!
(MORE)
 
PEKINGESE (CONT'D)
Don't you dare to give me advice!
Your counsel's worth less than a
flea's fart! Just take your lazy
butt to the back room and check for
magenta!
 
Lori turns away from the nasty woman and walks to the back. He takes the safety pin out from his pocket and rolls it in his hand. He's furious. He hears the voice in his head.
 
MALEFICENT (V.O.)
Poke the dog. Prick her, prick her,
prick her!
 
Lori goes back to Pekingese. He pokes Pekingese on her shoulder with the safety pin.
 
A funnel-shaped cloud swirls in the aisle. The wind makes the pullovers sway and RUSTLE on the racks. Pekingese disappears. A piece of luminous orange clothing falls on the floor.
 
Lori rubs his eyes. Then bends and picks up the safety pin.
 
LORI
Awesome.
 
Lori steps on the clothing and tramples on it eagerly. Farshad comes to the aisle.
 
FARSHAD
What are you doing, moron? Damaging
our goods?
 
LORI
It's not what you think! It's not
our stock--
 
FARSHAD
You know what? You're fired! We had
enough of you!
 
Linda runs to the aisle to see what's happening. Lori hears the voice again.
 
MALEFICENT (V.O.)
Prick the freak! Prick the freak!
 
Lori runs to the manager and pricks him on his arm. A tornado cloud fogs the aisle. A white shirt billows in the air like a ghost, slowly landing on the floor.
 
Linda more pale then ever makes an attempt to escape. Lori grabs her elbow.
 
LORI
Where do you think you're going?
 
LINDA
No-no-no-no...
 
Lori pricks Linda. A cloud coats the girl and she disappears.
 
Lori goes around the aisle and picks up the shirts from the floor: the mauve Linda, the white Farshad and the luminescent orange Pekingese. He lifts them in the air and shakes them above his head.
 
LORI
I'm the god of shirts!
 
Lori takes the shirts to the fitting room and hangs them on the rack. He locks the fitting room and goes to the counter. Soon Sonia enters the shop. She looks around.
 
SONIA
Hi Lori! Where's everybody?
 
LORI
It seems, there are only two of us.
Boss took Linda to the suppliers'
meeting.
 
SONIA
Oh. And I wanted Linda to cover for
me tonight.
 
LORI
Why is that?
 
SONIA
It's Valentine's Day. I go out
with my boyfriend.
 
LORI
We don't need any boyfriend.
 
SONIA
Don't be silly.
 
INT. GLORIOUS MEN SHOP - NIGHT
 
Sonia and Lori clean the store. PHIL (25), a good looking man with worried dark eyes rushes into the store.
 
PHIL
Hi, cutie-pie. Are you ready?
 
SONIA
I'll go change!
 
Sonia, delighted and cheerful, flies to the fitting room. Phil smiles dreamingly. Lori comes closer to him.
 
LORI
So, what are you doing for living,
Phil?
 
PHIL
I work for--
 
Lori pricks him on his back. A funnel-shaped cloud, a whirlwind. Lori grabs a denim shirt and crams it into the counter.
 
Sonia, bright and fresh, comes out of the fitting room.
 
SONIA
Where is he?
 
LORI
Who?
 
SONIA
Phil.
 
LORI
He's left. I told him how much I
admire you, and he said he didn't
want to be in my way.
 
SONIA
Liar!
 
Lori approaches Sonia.
 
LORI
Listen to me, cutie-pie. You better
be nice to me. Super nice!
 
Lori enfolds Sonia in his arms and drags her to the back of the shop.
 
SONIA
Take your hands off me!
 
LORI
You don't understand. I love you,
Sonia!
 
SONIA
Let me go, asshole! I'll sue you!
 
MALEFICENT (V.O.)
Prick her, prick her!
 
Lori forcefully kisses Sonia. She bites his cheek.
 
LORI
Damn you!
 
Lori pricks Sonia on her thigh.
 
SONIA
Ouch!
 
A foggy whirl shakes the air and Sonia dissolves to nothing. A shirt falls in Lori's hands. It's salmon pink.
 
LORI
Oh, now what?!
He goes inside the fitting room.
 
INT. FITTING ROOM - DAY
 
Lori takes off his checked shirt, wipes blood from his cheek with it and puts on the salmon pink shirt. Lori pats himself all over his upper body.
 
LORI
Touch you! Touch you again! Screw
you! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Lori tucks his shirt in his pants.
 
LORI (CONT'D)
How do you like it, baby?
Lori dances lambada in front of the mirror.
 
INT. GLORIOUS MEN SHOP - DAY
 
TITLE OVER: Two days later
 
Lori swans around the empty store in his salmon pink shirt. He opens the fitting room. We see a rack with a row of all color shirts hanging from it. Lori talks to Sonia-shirt.
 
LORI
Look at them, Sonia. They're my
subjects. They all were mean to me.
Thought they get away with it. And
here they are.
(locks the door)
(MORE)
 
LORI (CONT'D)
And it's only a start. I'll be
rich, Sonia. Rich and desirable.
You'll turn to green with envy.
 
Lori goes back to the selling floor. A VETERAN DETECTIVE(47), wearing a dark grey coat, enters the shop. A PUDGY WOMAN (50) and a RESTLESS COP(26) follow him.
 
A veteran detective shows Lori his ID, his partner gazes at Lori. The woman wipes her eyes with a handkerchief.
 
VETERAN DETECTIVE
We have few people missing. The
last time they were seen was in
this shop. Any insights?
 
LORI
(shrugs his shoulders)
I'm afraid to come here myself, I
guess.
 
The woman stops crying and stares at Lori. She gasps.
 
PUDGY WOMAN
Oh, my darling! My sweetheart!
 
LORI
Excuse me?
 
The woman grabs Lori by his shirt.
 
PUDGY WOMAN
Take it off! Take it off right now!
 
RESTLESS COP
Ma'am, are you OK?
 
PUDGY WOMAN
(pulling the shirt)
Give me my little girl, you
monster!
 
A strong vortex lifts Lori and twirls him in the air.
 
RESTLESS COP
Holy shit!
 
Lori falls on the floor. He has no shirt. Sonia is back. She throws herself in the woman's arms.
 
SONIA
Mom!
 
PUDGY WOMAN
Thank God! Thank God!
 
SONIA
How did you know?
 
PUDGY WOMAN
Oh, my poor baby! Mom always knows.
 
The veteran detective sees Lori wriggling on the floor.
 
VETERAN DETECTIVE
I have no idea what are you,
mister, but you're going to jail.
 
The restless cop handcuffs Lori. Lori notices the safety pin lying on the floor, but he can't reach it.
 
LORI
It's some black magic. I have
nothing to do with it.
 
SONIA
He turned all those missing people
to shirts!
 
RESTLESS COP
Dirty Devil!
 
Lori throws another look at the floor. THE PIN IS NOT THERE ANYMORE.
 
The cop takes a shirt from the rack and puts it over Lori, not releasing his arms.
 
RESTLESS COP (CONT'D)
Hope, this one is just a shirt.
 
Cops lead Lori away to the door. Sonia runs to the fitting room.
 
Leaving the "Glorious Men" shop Lori grimaces as he hears her shout of joy.
 
SONIA
Phil! Oh, Phil!
 
FADE OUT.

 Слон
The Last Princess of Numenor
 Слон
About the Author
 Слон
Stories
 Слон
My Scripts